Now enter 30-something, overweight female. Height range in the 5′7″ to 5′8″ region. Smoker. Suffers from Binge Eating Disorder. Maintains daily Prozac intake. Lives with anxiety and OCD. What a hot mess. Whilst the other authors on this blog are courageous to reveal their identity … I am protecting my anonymity on this one.

Pheeling the Phatness ….
I recall being 5 and in dance class. I did tap, jazz and ballet. I cried and begged my instructor to let me put shorts on over my leotard b/c I didn’t want my thighs out there for the world to see. Big ups to my Mom and Dad during this time for referring to my thighs as “Thunder Thighs” or “Shirley Temple Thighs”. I was NOT a fat kid. I had cute baby fat. I remember chubbing up again around 4th grade but then looking pretty fly in 5th grade. Yet I was nicknamed “Balloon” in 5th grade by some dumbass kid who ended up asking me to go “steady” over the phone during summer vacation. WTF-ever! Fast forward to the summer between 6th and 7th grade. I recall returning to school as a 7th grader and being dumped by my boyfriend b/c I gained “too much weight” over the summer. But again, I still wasn’t fat. I was average. I just wasn’t rail thin like my bitchy classmates. Now we move ahead to high school. Freshman year was just an awkward time. My hair, clothes, general style … I was transitioning from girl to young betch. It was a pretty gnarly time. But Freshman year is when I developed my first obsession w/ a guy. We shall call him “TB”. I loved TB for a good couple of years. And noticed the girls he’d end up “going out” w/, were skinnier than I was. I can’t remember my weight from this time, but I think I was wearing like a juniors size 11 or something? I don’t recall. I was more the tomboy, basketball-playing friend. By Junior year, the hips were getting curvy and I was feeling a little better about myself. Still just “average” weight wise, but I was getting my fair share of the male action. As much as you get in high school anyways. By the end of Senior year I had to be around, oh I dunno, 160? Less? And height wise, I doubt I’ve grown any since then.

My last “I don’t feel like a total heifer” memories lie in the year 2000. Probably where they will live forever.
I was a size 14/16. Technically “plus size” according to the fashion world. I felt pretty average though. I hated my legs, but I always have b/c I’m pear-shaped. But I was going out and partying all the time so I wasn’t eating that much and exercising off what I did eat by dancing and shaking my ass all the time. Plus my job at the time kept me on my feet and I was forced to stand and walk around. I was fitting into some really cute shit though and I was definitely scoring a lot of male action at the bar. And this time, grown up action, not lame ass high school stuff. I thought I was hot shit. And there’s still an outfit to this day I wish I would’ve kept to try and fit into again. By November of 2000, I found out I was pregnant. Shortly after, I tossed all of my cute clothes in a depressed “I’ll never fit into these again” fit of rage. When I gave birth to my child in 2001, I was approximately 270 lbs. (give or take). After squeezing this child from my loins, I was down to around 225 a few weeks later. Now we jump ahead to the present. October 2008. I was at the doctor recently (within the past 2 weeks) and I was at 296. It’s like as long as I don’t hit 300, then I’m not totally panicking, which is total bullshit!

Distorted Reality:
Anorexics look in the mirror and see fat. I look in the mirror and think “it’s not THAT bad” … that is, until I see myself in a photograph and scream in horror. I think b/c I can crop my body out of photos and that my face is still pretty cute in his semi-roundness that I’m not totally forsaken. Lately however, a more noticeable 2nd chin is growing in and I don’t like it!

My Last Diet:
… was a few months ago here at work. We had a competition to see who could lose the most. In 5 days, I had lost 6 lbs. and thought I had clenched the top loser position for that week. When I wasn’t, I was crushed and felt instantly defeated and stopped trying. I tend to be a quitter and hate that about myself.
I’ve contemplated Overeaters Anonymous meetings. But those are too religious for my agnostic tastes. I’m sorry but God has nothing to do w/ why I shove food in my face.

Recent Habits:
The binge eating has worsened. I dust ½ gallons of ice cream in one sitting. In the past week, I think I’ve had a total of 1 ½ gallons of ice cream alone. On top of any other nastiness I’ve consumed.

I’m just hoping I can get the balls to finally cut this shit out and get back to my hotness.